The Rules and benefits of a little kinkEveryone could use a little spice in the boudoir on occasion. 50 Shades of Gray ushered in multiple types of kink into many “vanilla” American bedrooms. Some people like role playing with domination, spanking, choking, or other forms of BDSM. By far, one of the most popular fantasies is being tied up, well ahead of spanking and choking. No judgment here…you do you—or whomever you want to “do.” As far back as the late ‘80s, studies have show that there are actually neurological and physiological advantages to acting out BDSM fantasies. According to a 2016 study of “self-identifying practitioners of BDSM, the majority reported a sense of euphoria (think runner’s high), which comes from endorphins (like oxytocin) produced after intense sexual activity.” Oxytocin is often called the “bonding hormone.” If you consider the communication and trust that ideally goes along with any sexual activity, it’s not surprising to understand how partners who participate in BDSM report “increased empathy and feelings of trust with their partners.” If communication is one of the cornerstones of a relationship, then BDSM forces partners to take a deep dive into themselves: What do I want and why? What do I need? What are my boundaries? One principle seems to be universal: There’s no more important work than self-improvement. Regardless of the flavor of your kink, there are a few rules to remember before you and your partner participate in the “knotty” stuff: 1. Always agree beforehand what will happen. While this might seem like a buzzkill for spontaneity, any type of kink is ultimately about love and communication. (Yes, even the spanking, slapping, spitting, etc.) It should be about a mutual agreement to engage in activities that partners find mutually beneficial. Do not surprise your partner with anything, even if the spice you crave is domination. Domination is not about making your partner feel insecure. On the contrary, BDSM is acutely attuned to communication about power in the relationship and the free flow of it between the partners. 2. Have a safe word or safe phrase. People have triggers, and some of us have more than others because of past situations. The point is this: Even if your fantasy lands on the fringes of (simulated) rape, for example, activities must begin as conversations before they’re committed to action. BOTH partners must agree on ceasing an activity that makes the other feel unsafe, unloved, or takes away a sense of self, of humanity. The word you choose should be unique enough so that if it is uttered (or screamed) it could not be confused with any part of the role play. 3.Love your partner enough to be discreet. Whether your goal is to put some spice in a 20-year-old relationship or you’re just getting freaky with a friend with benefits, don’t brag, rag out, or gossip about it. If it’s between the two of you when it happens, then it should stay between the two of you when it’s over, unless (and again), you’ve communicated your desire to share with others. No one wants to go into the break room at work and be known as the “Freaky Deaky Bitch.” (And if you do, then by all means…but be careful about current HR sexual harassment policies—just sayin’.) Respect your partner enough to be discreet about what goes on behind closed doors. Whether you’re craving the “knotty” or the nice, the pleasure and comfort of both people should be paramount. Kink is not about exclusive power and control. It’s an exploration of sexual and emotional communication that leads to empowerment…and potentially some damn good sex! Source: May, Gareth. “Your Brain on BDSM.” Vice. 2/16/17. https://www.vice.com/en/article/j5e833/your-brain-on-bdsm-why-getting-spanked-and-tied-up-makes-you-feel-high. Accessed 4/20/23.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Details
STELLA GRAEAuthor of the novel Just Call Me Confidence from The Wild Rose Press. Archives
June 2023
Categories |